What do we tell her about Santa?
The moment has come. The Frenchman wants to tell the Bambina about Père Noël. I do not. Or should I say, I do not want to tell her that a fat old man in a red suit will be coming down our chimney on Christmas Eve to leave her presents.
What is worse, the Frenchman wants to do Père Noël à la française. The French version of Santa differs a little from how it is explained in North America. Where I grew up, Santa left you some presents but then you also got presents from Grandma and Grandpa (both sides), Auntie Lois, Uncle Jimmy, maybe even from a godparent. In France, all presents come from Père Noël. So when the Frenchman gets a Christmas present for his godson in France, as far as the godson is concerned, the present is from Père Noël, not his godfather. His godfather gave him nothing. How messed up is that?
But my bigger problem is with the whole notion of telling my daughter that any of her presents came Santa at all because, unless I happen to discover gifts that some stranger has surreptitiously placed gifts under our tree while we were asleep, telling her that her presents came from Santa Claus will be a lie.
"So what?", I hear you saying. "It's a nice lie."
I don't agree. When we tell our children about Santa Claus, we do so because we know that small children are too young to know any better. We are appealing to our children's naïve and gullible side. We are saying to our children, "I am going to deceive you because I can, because you are incapable of knowing any better." To me, deception based on the other person's inability to think critically or realistically about something shows that you really do not respect that person. We tell the truth to people whom we respect.
Of course, the Bambina may have an entirely different opinion to the one that I proffer her about Santa Claus. So far, I have told the Bambina that Santa Claus is a nice story. Whether she chooses to believe me or not is another issue.
9 comments:
I think believing in Santa Claus is so lovely and that it should go on for as long as possible. My parents never told me...My cousins blabbed.
My husband and I have decided not to have our boys (4,2 and 3 months) that there is a Santa, and I get so much grief from anyone who finds out about it. Between the person who gave me a newspaper article stating that children who don't believe in Santa won't develop any imagination (because apparently Santa is the only thing fueling imagination) and are more likely to become criminals (what?) and my brother who looks daggers at me in anticipation of my kids telling his kids it's enough to drive me crazy. Why should my kids not show any gratitude to those people who actually gave him presents because it was "Santa", the guy who doesn't need to receive a thank you note? I grew up believing in Santa and it drove me crazy when I asked if he really existed and everyone skirted around the subject teasingly. I just don't want to lie to my kids - if it's not right to do so every other time of year, what makes it right during the holidays just because it's a "nice" lie?
Oh, and to add to my rant, I've heard of people who tell their kids that they will no longer get presents when they don't believe in Santa. How cruel is that?
Here's the problem. If you do not tell her about Santa Claus then she will assume that Santa does not come to her house as he does to the other children. She will inevitably ask you about Santa because she will hear it from her playmates/classmates or will see the advertising billboards. So how will you deal with that? Santa is an integral part of dominant society, culture, marketing, festivities etc. This is not to say that you have to include Santa but I hope you have a good reason so that she does not feel left out or marginalised in relation to the others.
I don't necessarily see Santa (or as my kids call him - Father Christmas) nor La Befana (both of which my children believe in) as being a lie. It's a fairy tale - more a belief in magic - that magical things happen and that the world can be a wondrous place with amazing people who do kind and generous things. My mother-in-law was always very straight forward with my husband when he was a child and for some reason her adult honesty just seemed sadly cynical and jaded next to all that wide-eyed wonder.
I tried to tell my daughter, who is 3 (we sat down and talked about it very day for 2 weeks) that Santa was just a storybook person, who isn't real. It didn't work. She fervently believes in Santa, and that Santa is real and coming to our house. After a hile, I felt like a real meany to keep pushing the Santa isn't real line, so I gave up. Santa is real at our house now. (I also lost the Christmas tree battle to my husband - it seemed wasteful and like another thing to clean up after).
What we are doing with my daughter is telling her that Santa needs helpers because he can't be everywhere all at once, so that mommy and daddy are Santa's helpers and get her Christmas gifts. She asked if she could be a Santa's helper, too, so she'll be in charge of Santa gifts for her little brother (and when he gets older he can be her Santa - he's a baby now)
Lindsay, I get the same grief. Cassie, I see your point, although at the moment, the Bambina is content enough to know that there will be lots of presents for Christmas. She doesn't really care who they come from. Susan, I can see the Bambina taking this position, too. At that age, it is difficult for them to understand the difference between what is "real" and what is fantasy.
Linda and Delina, thing is, Santa Claus (the modern day one, anyway) is not "magic". The only magic around santa is what we adults have fabricated. Why not show our children truly wondrous things instead, like rainbows, hail the size of quarters, or at this time of year, the swarms of birds that you see making these incredible shapes in the sky. I don't have to invent any of those things. They just exist.
I never believed in Santa as a child (older siblings who knew the truth and parents who didn't feel it was important to keep up the myth), and never felt I missed out. I wasn't that concerned that my children should believe, but found out, to my surprise, that it is INCREDIBLY important to other parents. I quickly reached the point where I felt I had to join in, or spoil it for everyone. I went with the story, but planted enough seeds of doubt that he would always think it was a story of some kind, and not just fact.
I, like you, think that there is plenty of magic to be had with "it's a lovely story" and "it's fun to pretend". Santa doesn't have to be real, and if he isn't, then you don't have to deal with the disappointment.
great discussion. This falls under the category, from a child development standpoint of...children do not perceive things the same way as adults.
I struggled with this too and didn't quite say anything for the first few years...if asked I would have said, no there is not Santa...but it never really came up. others told my DS that Santa AND the Kris Kind mind you since we spend Christmas in Germany most years.
At 4 it got a bit confusing. He didn't ask IF Santa existed
( everyone he knew, adults and kids talked about him as if he did) He asked about the mechanics. how did he get to homes without a chimney? Would he still come to our house in the USA if we were in Germany? I answered how I thought he accomplished those things.
This year, at 5, the mechanics are getting more specific. Again I answer how one might expect these things to happen.
I expect by about 6 or 7 he WILL ask if Santa exists...then I'll tell him. But not until he asks.
Before that, I think it's a little like telling your kid about sex...only answer the questions that are asked...don't give more detail than is requested.
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